man...a number of funny things happened today. first of all, we saw DAVE FUCKING CHAPPELLE. that guy is the most hilarious motherfucker of all time. the doors opened at seven, and apparently people were lining up at two, but we got there at 6:45 cuz nathan's bitch ass had to finish eating. we bullshitted and tried to refrain from quoting chappelle's show, and we saw dave's tour bus drive by, but that was about all that happened. we eventually got to the door, where the security guy ASKED me if my pockets were empty. i guess it's too much trouble to pat people down now, so they just want an oral statement saying that your pockets are empty. once we got inside it was packed, so we ended up sitting way up on the left side, almost all the way up, in the corner. it wasn't too far though. after about 45 minutes this comedian came on stage whose name i didn't catch. he was so funny...almost as funny as dave. the funniest thing i can remember from his routine was, "...fuckin a girl so fast it looks like i'm movin slow..." he was constant funny. then this guy from nickelodeon and drumline named nick cannon came on. now, he's not a comedian by trade, but please...tell me if this is funny. "don't be fooled by nickelodeon...i'm dickelodeon. this is all man right here." as he grabs his crotch. he literally got booed off the stage, not having said one single funny thing. but at least he had the balls to get up there and give it a shot. then dave came out. he was side-splittingly funny. at the beginning he laid down some ground rules. "one, if anyone rushes me, you'll have to talk to one of the big motherfuckers in the yellow shirts first. two, no one can say 'i'm rick james, bitch!' that shit ruined my life. i think it's only fair that you can say that to anyone in the world except for me and rick james." highlights included a skit about a guy jacking off on a bus and dave dodging his flying jizz, matrix style, where he used the microphone as a surprisingly good simulation of semen; making fun of the name "san luis obispo" by saying it in this really funny way, then saying "a san luis obispo drive by: 'bang! san luis obispo, BITCH!'"; "how old are you?" (to some black guy in the audience) "26? wow, 26-year-old black man...you're already beating so many statistics..."; someone yelling "vagina" and dave going off on a tangent for five minutes about it, comparing and contrasting a gynecologist who says "let me see your vagina" and one who says "spread that pink pussy and let me see what you got" and illustrating each with half of his microphone stand (i don't think i need to elaborate further); and, on the subject of a girl telling a guy where to cum: "it doesn't matter where you tell him to cum, he'll still like it. it doesn't have to be, 'cum in my mouth' or 'cum on my tits,' it can be 'cum on the television.' or 'cum in my fishbowl...' (ooh they're eating it)". uproarious.
after that, we went back to nico's room, and we decided to watch a movie. when we do this, he leans his keyboard up against the wall to get it out of the way. so we were watching the movie and we'd hear this intermittent POP sound...so he paused it and i told him to open task manager to try and figure out what was making that noise. "maybe it's a virus," i surmised. however, after repeatedly trying to right-click all over the screen and having the menus close instantly, he declared defeat. "i can't right click on anything!" he proclaimed solemnly. so i got up, pressed ctrl+alt+del on the keyboard, and leaned it back up against the wall. as soon as i did so, it closed. "what the shit?" i thought to myself. i presssed ctrl+alt+del again, and again it closed when i put the keyboard back. i laid the keyboard down to try again, and he realized that he could now right click freely. it was only then that i realized the ESC key had been pressing against the wall. "man we're dumb," i announced.
eventually nico decided to go to bed, even though he doesn't have to get up until TWO IN THE AFTER FUCKING NOOON, so we stopped watching the movie. we had both seen it before and it was past the good part, so it was no great loss. at that moment nathan and conan came back in from studying, and i found out that eric got to go backstage and meet dave chappelle. that little fucking asshole. anyway, nathan said "eric and bowlie got their picture taken with dave chappelle." so nathan and nico were talking about this guy bowlie, and it turns out nathan thought that was his actual name, and not just a pothead nickname. the conversation went something like this:
nico: you thought bowlie was his real name?
nathan: yeah...
nico: they just call him bowlie because he smokes so much weed.
nathan: oh...i don't know...i thought it was french or something...bolé...
me: you cheese-eating surrender monkey.
and finally, an actual conversation with our favorite tree-dwelling sasquatch:
TimTJG: so what are you doing?
TimTJG: are you in lompoc?
TimTJG: you little bitch
TimTJG: i know you are
TimTJG: i hate you
prvjoker16: yeah
TimTJG: why is it that when i'm up here you're down there and the MINUTE i go down there you come up here?
TimTJG: you suck.
prvjoker16: because both of our balls are so huge we cannot possibly be in the same county at the smae time
prvjoker16: same time
TimTJG: haha
TimTJG: so you're implying that we have one testicle each?
prvjoker16: why not
TimTJG: what are we, war veterans?
prvjoker16: i lost mine to land mine
TimTJG: wow
TimTJG: it tripped one all by itself did it?
TimTJG: like bubba's lip
prvjoker16: yup
TimTJG: you little bastard
prvjoker16: how did you lose yours
TimTJG: saving a baby in a fire
prvjoker16: snag it on a burning doorway?
TimTJG: something like that
TimTJG: but i saved the baby
TimTJG: only to have it snatched by a hawk the second i got outside
prvjoker16: a true hero
TimTJG: who, the hawk?
prvjoker16: or you, it really could go either way
TimTJG: i guess
TimTJG: stupid babies
TimTJG: i should have snacked on it
prvjoker16: honey glazed baby
TimTJG: oh boy
TimTJG: with a cherry on top
TimTJG: (a virgin baby)
prvjoker16: shup
TimTJG: that was too far
prvjoker16: wow
prvjoker16: that crossed the line
TimTJG: yeah totally
prvjoker16: you sick son of a bitch
TimTJG: i should be hog tied and tallywhacked
prvjoker16: or hog tied while a hog sucks you off
TimTJG: oh could we?
prvjoker16: jesus i need a smoke
TimTJG: you addict
TimTJG: i know you like to smoke cock, but it's becoming an all-the-time thing
prvjoker16: well of course, thats a given
prvjoker16: this is gonna wind up on your post from balls and county to here
prvjoker16: isnt it
TimTJG: so drive your happy ass up here and feast on my gourmet lollipop
until next time, cum in my fishbowl.
song of the post: lil jon and the eastside boyz - get low (all skee skee mofuckas!)
